6 Ways to Plan a Woke Wedding
From misogynistic guests to culturally insensitive music, here is your essential guide to organizing truly un-problematic nuptials.
I knew my brother’s wedding would be a wonderful day, full of love and joy.
He and his fiancée were practically childhood sweethearts and they have a wonderful relationship.
In many ways their wedding day is shaping up to be a classically millennial event, and they are doing their best to keep it.. well, woke.
They have planned a strictly meat-free menu, and have discouraged some family friends from attending, due to their problematic opinions.
In the spirit of their beautiful (and politically correct) wedding day, here are 6 ways you can ensure your wedding day is a step towards social justice.
1. Meat is murder.
Why should the happiest day of your life result in the death of a hundred living, breathing animals?
Chuck out the steak, pig out on soy. Vanquish the veal. Viva los vegetables.
2. Purge the problematic.
Check your family members’ Facebook profiles. Keep an eye on your WhatsApp groups.
If you find that your friends or family routinely overstep the mark in their political points of view then you can safely lose their invitation.
These people are going to have to sit together over dinner and you are not in control of their conversation topics.
I don’t care if these people have been family friends for 40 years.
You can’t trust them not to use outdated terminology to describe your favourite pansexual artist. And they always have to tell someone that they think Barak Obama is articulate.
It’s not worth the micro aggressions. Disinvite them.
3. Mandated music.
Construct your ideal musical playlist and do not allow guests to tamper with it.
Spend a few days putting together a truly inspired collection of songs by incorporating (but not appropriating!) a healthy range of BIPOC artists.
You want it more MOBO than Glasto.
And no reggae.
4. No to Jesus.
If there’s anything that pisses off a millennial it’s inequitable structures grounded in misogyny and white supremacy.
So, God has to go.
Humanism is the obvious choice. That way you can read your vows in any way you like.
Make those important promises as Roald Dahl characters, or reject the patriarchy and have Mother Nature witness your vows instead.
5. Speech!
The bride (sorry, problematic term) must make a speech. The mother of the bride must make a speech. The maid of honour must make a speech.
You’ve been kept down by the patriarchy for too long, ladies. Stand up and show them why he or she asked you to marry them.
6. Bloody diamonds.
Oh, you’re wearing a diamond? No, it’s fine, I just don’t believe in funding child soldiers at a wedding… And anyway, it’s a racist industry that exploits the poor.
Millennial weddings are rejecting traditional ‘rocks’, a positive step towards the decolonization of marriage promises.
If you can keep to these simple rules then you can relax, safe in the knowledge that your wedding will be the progressive and politically correct day of your dreams.
